Military Gear & Army Surplus Gear Blog

WORST ARMY EVER

WORST ARMY EVER


[English subtitle by Hananeel Rapanan, enjoy!] Shut up! King Peter: Men. For too long, we, the Alliance of Hecoxia have lived in fear of the Alliance of Smo from the Kingdom of Sh. For too long they have laid siege to our kingdom and I say today, We bring the fight to them! *army cheering* And the river will run red with their blood! And with God as my witness, we will be victorious in this Clash of Kings! United we fight! Knight 1: Uh.. Real quick, why are we wearing such ridiculous outfits? King Peter: Because they are the colors of our kingdom. Knight 1: Right. But this bright red is pretty much screaming, “Hey, shoot me with a flaming arrow right in my chest.” You know? King Peter: Fine. I promise next time we’ll get more muted colors. But can, we go storm now guys, please? Trumpeter: Why? King Peter: What? Trumpeter: It’s a small thing really, but… Why do I have a trumpet? King Peter: To announce ourselves in battle. Trumpeter: A- are we sure that’s the best strategy? King Peter:Yes! Trumpeter: I mean i- it draws a lot of attention to me and, as a weapon I’m a little dubious as to its effectiveness. King Peter: Okay, you know just stay near the back, okay? Guys, we really have to go right now. Tom: Uhm, sorry I’m a little hungry. Co- could we take a break for a snack? Knight 1: Right. right! Not good to fight on an empty stomach? King Peter: Just- just- just pillage some food when we get into the castle! Tom: But that’s stealing. King Peter: Plundering, is fair game in war. Okay show of hands who is opposed to plundering. *everyone raises hands* Okay, fine! When we get into the castle, don’t. It’s that easy. Okay, what! Knight 2: Sorry but, what if they’re actually smarter than us and attacking OUR castle right now? King Peter: They’re not. Knight 2: Could be. King Peter: No! Knight 2: I mean that’s a probability in the grand scheme of things. King Peter: Okay, yes, I concede. Uh yes, it is a probability that it could happen. Knight 2: Then half of us should go home. King Peter: No, no, no, no. Tana: Why didn’t any of us get horses? King Peter: We didn’t quite have it in the budget this year. Tana: But, we’re knights. We’re supposed to have horses. King Peter: Yes but it’s more than just the cost of the horse, you numpty! It’s the food, and the water, and the horse trainers and the horse armor. Look it really adds up, I’m not going to get into the economics of this with you guys when we really have to go! Right. Once the first wave of infantry is surely decimated I will send in- Knight 1: Uhm… I don’t think I wanna be in the first wave. Tom: Surely decimated?! Knight 1: Right! You basically guaranteed our death. King Peter: You, will all be fine. Knight 2: But how did you know? King Peter: Because, we have God on our side. *everyone agreeing* Knight 1: But, the enemy worships the same God as us and, they said God is on their side. Tom: Oh that doesn’t seem fair. Knight 2: Have you tried bribing God to be more on our side? *everyone chanting “Let’s bribe God!”* King Peter: Okay, okay guys I will bribe God. Guys we really need to go. Knight 1: Oh uhm… So what is your first name? King Peter: How is that relevant? Knight 1: Well… All of us never really got to have a personal relationship with you and, you know, we think you’re a pretty nice guy and if you were to die out there- King Peter: I’m not going to die, I’m the king. Tom: How are you so sure you won’t die? King Peter: Because, you will all die for me, right? Knight 1: Well I’d surely die for someone like, like Tom. I even know his name. Hi Tom! Tom: Hey! Yeah he’s been to my house, he met my wife. Knight 1: Right? See I feel intimately connected with Tom and thus I would put my life on the line for him. *laughter* King Peter: Well if it means so much to you guys, my name is Peter. Tom: My name is Tom! King Peter: Great great, can we move on now guys? Okay, what- what is it? Stop doing that what is it? Trumpeter: Can we get a quick bathroom break? King Peter: I specifically asked if anyone needed to go to the bathroom before we left the castle! Trumpeter: I didn’t have to go before but I do now. King Peter: Guys, we need to stay focused here, the people we’re about to attack are brutal savages! Tana: Savages? I don’t know my Uncle Jerry lives over there, he’s quite alright. Tom: I mean, real talk… I used to live there for quite a little bit and it was pleasant. Knight 2: Great banana bread they make. Trumpeter: We were promised tracts of land, right? King Peter: Yes! Trumpeter: How are you delineate said tracts? King Peter: What? Trumpeter: Okay, say I killed more Heathens than Percival over here. Tana: Uh it’s- it’s Tana. Trumpeter: Sorry. Say I kill more Heathens than Tana, will I be bequeathed with more tracts? King Peter: No, you all get the same sized tract. Trumpeter: Well that certainly doesn’t incentivize productivity within your work force, I mean you really should rethink the whole- King Peter: Shut up! Trumpeter: Okay. Tana: I want a horse! King Peter: No! Shut up! Everybody just shut up! Archer 1: I was still unclear so when’re we supposed to rain our arrows down upon the unsuspecting Heathens? King Peter: We went over that in orientation! Archer 1: Ah, yeah. Is it “Fire on three!” or is it like “One, two, three, fou-” King Peter: There is no three count! You rain your arrows when the trumpeter blows his mighty horn! Trumpeter?: I don’t want to be the trumpeter… King Peter: Oh my God. Tom: The man next to me does not have a sword! Knight 2?: So what? King Peter: Why in God’s name do you not have a sword?! Brawler 2?: I’m better with my fists! King Peter: Fine. Just- just punch them to death. I really don’t care anymore. Guys, please, I promise you if we go to battle right now, I will take care of all of your concerns, okay? *everyone says “Okay.”* Ugh, thank God. United we fight! Everyone: Yeah! Ooooh… Dang it… *King Peter falls down* *ded king* Trumpeter: They must have bribed God. *everyone agreeing* Knight 1: Who wants banana bread? Tom: I do. Thank you so much to Clash of Kings for making this video possible. Click all the links down in the description below to check out the game. And click the video on the left to watch bloopers from this episode and this: *7/10 – IGN* And click the video on the right to watch our newest “If Video Games Were Real” episode. Mario: Who the f*ck-a made this sh*t? As always, if you’re in a touch-screen device click all the links down in the description below. [Bye guys! Have a nice day/night!]


Reader Comments

  1. Me two years ago: watches, enjoys and stops at 3:06

    Me now: finds this sacred treasure and wonders why I’m alive

  2. Is nobody going to point out that some of those out fits are crusader outfits. Also during that time they didn’t have British accents yet they weren’t developed till later. They had American accents.

  3. Why does the king have a chestplate and everyone in the army only wears chainmail and why does tanner have a schottish claymore

  4. later that day the enemy launched a cavalry attack and no one survived because they were undisciplined and they dont have spears.

  5. Ian talking about not being able to buy horses is like parents explaining to kids how expensive pets are and trying to not get a pet since they don't want one lol
    😂😂😂

  6. I got sick of them staying put after 3 minutes, They should have did something different in the skit like march to the castle. Lol

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