– IN THE PRESENT – Eren : Damn, that’s annoying, We waste our days collecting wood This is not how we’re going to become anime heroes ! Mikasa : It sounds like you’re wishing for a tragic event to happen to us and make our situation progress, Eren… Eren : Maybe, Mikasa ! Maybe ! Armin : Hallo, comrades !
(in a stereotypical German accent) Mikasa : Armin. What’s this stereotypical German accent ? Armin : Don’t be silly fräulein ! We’re all german, here! Except you ‘cuz you’re japanese… Eren : I admit it was kinda obvious when we met – IN THE PAST – Eren : Is there anybody ? Mikasa : Yamete ! Yamete Tentacle-Senpai ! * Hentai sound effects * – IN THE PRESENT – Eren : Oh my God… President Trump had predicted that day… That’s why he built a wall… To protect us from… THE MEXICANS !!! Mikasa : Eren… Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Eren’s mom : Help me get out of there, you shitty kids ! Eren : We don’t give a fuck about you, we just want our XboxOne ! Hans : Don’t worry, Billy ! I’m gonna save you ! I, Hannes, will personnaly take care of this Ti- (LE GASP) *In this moment, Jackson knew..* NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. Eren : Lemme go you moron ! MY XBOX ! Eren’s mom : I knew I should have aborted ! Eren : By seeing my mom getting eaten by a Mexican.. That’s how I became… … RACIST. – TRANSITION – Armin : Since we were too many, The Leaders decided to carry out a purge of the inhabitants… On that day, I lost my grandfather… Eren : I’m sorry, dude. Armin : But I found him ! He was hidden in the closet ! Eren : I’m sick of all these bullshits We’ll become soldiers And kill all those Titans ! Mikasa : With your weak physique you will not hold on more than two seconds That’s why I will fatten you, Eren… Eren : Mikasa what are you doing ?! Mikasa : Eat my bread, Eren… Eat my bread ! *Yamete Mikasa-Senpai* Armin : Arhe ! I’m starting to like it ~ – TRANSITION – Keith : I’ll be your instructor. If you come out of here alive, noobs, You’ll become a weapon, A death priest ! For now you are vomit ! You’re not even human, Suckers ! Engaged dumbass, lemme see your war face ! Armin : Fräuleiiin ! Keith : You’re not scaring me ! Work on it ! And you, who are you, you dump ?! Jean : I am Jean Kirstein ~ My goal is to become a bourgeois ~ Keith : You scumbag ! I wrote down your name ! I’m gonna rein you in, I’m gonna train you like a dog ! *Sasha eating her beloved potato* Sasha : Oh no, stop this please ! No Noooo ! – TRANSITION – Eren : Wow, I can’t believe he branded her ass 28 times in a row Armin : Eren, we’ve got a jetpack skill examination tomorrow ! Eren : Don’t worry Armin, I’m the main character, nothing embarassing could happen to me *creaking* *creaking* Keith : Bloody hell Jaeger I have never seen a stack of shit that big ! – TRANSITION – Keith : This year’s recruits are special… ..Armin Arlelt, his ability to reach the Godwin point quickly is astouding. Jean Kirstein, his self-control will be an asset. Jean : Where did you hide the salt, bastard ?! Eren : With this big mouth of yours, you’re a stock of salt all by youself ! Keith : Eren Jaeger, he has no special talent, but it makes me laugh to see him fail. And finally Mikasa Ackerman. Damn! look at those abs, steaks could be cooked on it !
( reference to a French youtuber ) – TRANSITION – Now that you’ve graduated, you can choose between three divisions : The Garrison, which maintains the walls and is mainly used as bait to be eaten, The Survey Corps which is being eaten OUTSIDE the walls And the Military Police, which live easy peasy like a bunch of toffs in safety and probably those who’ll live the longest But I would certainly not influence you ! Sasha : Just a stupid question, but what are the titans in the Maria area doing since there’s nobody to peck? Connie : They are performing the most infamous form of barbarity : TECHNO MUSIC ! *techno music* Eren : Anyway everything is just fine for now It would be so ironic if a perfectly calculated catastrophe happened right… Now ! Eren : You’re mine now ! You son of a b*tch !! Thomas : Eren, I don’t want to be rude, but you just missed a more than fifty meters tall target ! Eren : Your mom’s ass is fifty meters tall ! Kitts : The titans are infiltrating the walls, that’s why I’m begging you to act like brave and responsible soldiers, and to fight for the survival of the human race. Mikasa : Run for your lives ! Armin : Women and Germans first !
(pun with the expression “les femmes et les enfants d’abord” ->”les femmes et les allemands d’abord” ) – TRANSITION – Eren : Come on guys, using what we learnt, our incredible gears, our determination, Armin : And the help of the fürher ! Eren : Not now, ARMIN And especially with the power of frienship, we will be able to kill all the titans, let’s go ! All : YEAH ! ” Yes I am swinging ! ” ( ” and you are swinging ” ) ” and we are swingiiiiing ! ” ” this is a huge enjoyment ! ” ( ” this is really trendy ” ) ” and we really look stupiiiid ” Armin : Scheiße, Ich bin tot ! (Sh*t I’m dead) Titan : HO ! HO ! HO ! HO ! Merry Christmas Armin ! Armin : Santa Claus ? Titan : Yes my little and I have a very special gift for you at the bottom of my big can ! Armin : Ah ! I hope it’s a scooter ! Eren : ARMIN DON’T BE DUMB ! ARGH ! Armin : Eren ! Eren : Don’t worry Armin, I’m the main character, I can’t die like a piece of shi- – TRANSITION – Mikasa : Listen to me ! I have an idea ! Seeing that we are being massacred by thinking, WE HAVE ONLY TO RUN HEAD DOWN IN THE PILE !! WHO’S WITH ME ?! Jean : It’s true that it worked so well the first time … Mikasa : Jean … you’re coiffed like a dick. These arguments are invalid! – TRANSITION – Levi ! How about we go help the others? Levi : Honnestly, I don’t even know why you keep following me if I have to spend my time saving your asses. Sir, we couldn’t do anything about him. (dying) Levi ! Tell me that I’m not dead for nothing! Levi : Dude… You only tripped on the step of a stairway… So yeah… You were useless. That bastard ! He spit on me ! – TRANSITION – (threatening voice) Prove us that you’re human or else we pelt you like a Paris Hilton in a Bukake ! Mikasa : Eren ! Time for you to give us an heroic speech just like how you can make them! Armin : We’re counting on you, comrade! Eren: Ladybugs are beetles… (giggling) Mikasa : We’re all dead. – TRANSITION – Mikasa : Dot Pixis wants to bargain but let’s stay wary of this. Armin : What’s so special about Mr. Clean? Mikasa : He is incredibly senile. Dot Pixis : Look, Simba. Eveything the light touches will one day belong to you. [Lion King reference] Eren : Actually, my name is Eren. Dot Pixis : Silence, Eren and try this! Eren : (disgusted) What is this thing ?! Dot Pixis : My urine. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ) Eren : Seriously, how did you become general…? Dot pixis : I beat the king in a game of chess. 🙂 But enough chit-chat ! Are you able to carry this bolder in order to recapture Trost’s wall ? Eren : Well, actually I have no idea if i can lift the boulder or even how to control myself when I’m a titan and… Dot Pixis : I valid this plan ! Eren : Hey ! No ! Wait a second ! Dot Pixis : Listen to meh ! We’re going to recapture Trost’s territory ! In short, you will be used as lures ! Daz : Well then, let’s get out of here ! Do they think we’re dumb or something ?! Dot Pixis : Or… You can take advantage of that in order to get rid of your kids. Daz : My god ! That’s genius ! These kids pissed me off anyways ! Sasha : We’re gonna kick these child supports’ asses ! – TRANSITION – Erwin : My little Eren, you’ve accomplished your mission. Congratulations, but since the high class has a poker up their asses, they are suing you. Levi will be your lawyer. Levi : Listen up, kiddo. Do exactly as I say and everything will be fine. Got it ? Eren : Alright. I trust you, bro ! *Screaming in pain* Eren : WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ?! ARGH ! Daris : Umm… Not guilty? I suppose.. ? – TRANSITION – Jean : Eren! Eren : Guys ! You’re alive ! But… where’s Marco? Jean : We can say he has… Lost face. ~ LOOOOOLLLLL. And did you figure out how to control your titan-self? Eren : We’re working on it… Levi : We’re gonna leave you in this pit for a few days until you figure out how to turn into a titan. Eren : But why for fuck sake ?! Levi : Well I don’t know. Things worked well in Bleach.
[Another manga/anime] Meanwhile, go meet the rest of the squad. Titans are so my friends! (giggling) and do you know what I do to my friends? I thrust spears into their throats…~ Eren : Okay… so the Survey Corps is actually an excuse for gathering all the weirdos. Levi : Yep! – TRANSITION – Armin : Arh ! What the heck is that ?! A female titan ?! Hallo, Fräuleiiin… ~ [Sexy music] Jean : Are you okay, Armin ? Armin : She touched me like no other woman did… Jean : From a distance, She only touched your hood. Armin : That’s still a lot! – TRANSITION – Erwin : Is any of you having an idea of the identity of this female titan with short blonde hair, a long nose and a very distinctive bitchy look ? Eren : It’s Annie, isn’t it? Mikasa : This is definitely Annie. Sasha : Yep !
Armin : I agree ! Levi : I don’t even see why we’re wasting our time on something so obvious! – TRANSITION – Armin : Fräuleiiin ! Would you like to join us in a tunnel, away from prying eyes, and the perfect place for an ambush? Annie [Fake German accent too] : so your plan for stopping me is to catch me off guard with about twenty people ? Armin: Well, when you say it that way, this sounded better in my head… Annie : [Laughs] You are so funny, my little kinder ! [Some weird aspirated laugh] Eren : Guys, I don’t know if I really can kill Annie. I mean, she’s our friend ! Mikasa : Eren. Mikasa : You only talked to her for 2 minutes flat in your whole fucking life ! – IN THE PAST – Eren : Hi, Annie ! My name is Eren nice to meet yo- GAH ! – IN THE PRESENT – Eren : Uhg ! Screw everything ! Eren [Titan’s voice] : TAAAAAAACOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!! HEY, BIATCH! I KNOW AN EFFECTIVE METHOD THAT WILL SUCCESSFULLY CATCH YOUR EYES ! Annie [Titant’s voice] : ARH ! THAT STINGS, YOU STRUDEL ! – TRANSITION – [Effeminate voice] : Your clandestine operation was a failure since the target locked herself into crystal but most of all you put so many lives of inhabitants in danger. Erwin : I don’t know what you’re talking about. [Effeminate voice] : Oh yeah ? And the church ? Priest : Children, We are gathered here today for- *RiP in piece* Erwin : Oh… I’m atheist, anyway. [Effeminate voice] : What do you have to say for yourself? Erwin : I am SO handsome ! It would be a crime to put me in jail… ~ [Effeminate voice] : 20 years of prison. Erwin : Owh ! Poo ! Mikasa : Are you alright, Eren ? Eren : Uhg! We have fucked up the mission ! Ever since we became anime heroes, we keep doing bullshit ! This is fucking annoying ! Mikasa : This proves that you’re not strong enough. But for now… EAT MY BREAD. Eren : Oh no! Not again- * Hentai’s sounds *