Meet Jordan Schlansky. He’s worked for me for over 20 years and I still have no idea what he does on the show. Jordan, quick question: what are your responsibilities on this show? I have various duties, my title is associate producer. That’s the greatest non-answer I’ve ever heard. What is it you do? I have various production related tasks. If you use the word various one more time, I’m having you arrested. What do you do when you come into work? It varies from day to day.
Ah! On top of that, Jordan has spent all of the money I’ve been paying him on over 30, that’s right 30, lavish trips to Italy, making him a self-proclaimed expert on all things Italian. This is a free biscotti? Yes, biscotto. Pardon me? That’s a biscotto. Biscotti. That would be if there’s more than one, there’s only one. I’d like to murder you. Feel the combination of textures between the gelato and the tortino. Feel the combination of temperatures between the hot and the cold. You have got- Savor it in your mouth. You have got to shut the (beep) up. Against my better judgment, I finally decided to experience Italy through Jordan’s cold, dead eyes by tagging along with him on the exact same route he always takes. Like a migrating, anal-retentive swallow, Jordan begins his solo journey in Florence, then travels South through Tuscany, stopping in the tiny hill town of Cortona, before winding up in the city of Naples. This is Conan and Jordan in Italy. First stop on the Jordan tour, the streets of Florence. It’s an absolutely gorgeous morning. The quality of sun here in Florence is invigorating. You act like, oh, we’re in Italy, we’re in Florence, the sunlight is warm here. There’s warm sunlight, sunlight is by its nature warm. Don’t get me wrong, I love being in Florence, I just think you over do it sometimes. I think you’re sensing things that may not exist. Notice the texture of the clouds, this is something we don’t get at home in Los Angeles. What are you talking about? We get clouds in Los Angeles. Look at the level within the atmosphere. What are you, a pilot now? What are you talking about? When I travel I like to connect with a place tangibly, and I like to touch- I bet you do. Surfaces and remember what they felt like and if I touch this stone’s surface- Yeah, why don’t you rub on that stone, you (beep) pervert.
And close my eyes, and notice the coldness of the stone and the texture of the stone- This guy’s perving out on a wall, everybody! I could tell you exactly what the base of the Roman Colosseum feels like. I could tell you- Oh, you’ve rubbed up against the Colosseum? What the leaning tower of Pisa feels like. I bet you have, I bet you’ve left a little DNA at every crime scene. If you like, we could take a photo here? Why would you want a photo with anybody else in it? You only take photos by yourself ’cause you only have one expression. You have a mask. You always look exactly the same. In your photographs, you look like you’re chasing after Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. Say Mr. Anderson, you disappoint me. Look at the down jacket on the dachshund, that’s what I like. Look at this woman, just enjoying her day. La dolce vita, buongiorno! Rigatoni. The small penis was considered advantageous and a thing of beauty. It’s only in modern times that the larger penis has been generally favored. Yes. Oh, for a time machine. ‘Cause. Buongiorno. Limoncello! Here’s what I like to do.
Yeah. When I’m walking around I like to yell out random Italian things, you know?
Right. Agnolotti! It just makes it look like I’m a popular guy. See that’s a pasta. I think that it is sometimes considered to be insulting, No.
When you yell out, I don’t think it’s considered insulting at all. A fake Italian word. Not at all.
Clearly as an American. Not at all, tortellini! You keep thinking it’s offensive, people just think that I’m Italian. I they don’t, buongiorno.
Ragu in a can. (audience laughing) Ah, pesto. Pesto. See? I said pesto to him and he said pesto back. That doesn’t mean he’s offended. Buongiorno.
Fusilli. Ah, look! Look what they have here. This is absolutely fantastic! If I purchase this, would you be willing to walk around in this while you’re in the office? I swear I’ll pay you extra money. (audience laughing) You look like a (beep) fool! (laughs) Hey, this is your sandwich place, right? [Shopkeeper] Buongiorno! [Jordan] Buongiorno. Number three? [Conan] Number three.
Mozzarella? Mozzarella! Right? Mozzarella. No, it’s like this, try again. Mozzarella! Ah, mozzarella! [Conan] Mozzarella! Mozzarella! They hate you. Mozzarella for you. Mozzarella, oh! (bread crunching) (audience laughing) Now, you see, that’s barbaric. (audience laughing) We are now a part of the history of Florence. We are right there with Michelangelo and Dante. This is your contribution, this is your moment with Florence.